Nazis Sue O’Reilly for Equating Them to “Sissy Liberal Bloggers”

Bill O’Reilly, popular Fox News pundit and host of The O’Reilly Factor, has been accused of slander by a neo-Nazi group, who is suing for damages. 

The lawsuit comes on the heels of O’Reilly’s recent remarks about Daily Kos, a partisan political blog site. On his show, O’Reilly has repeatedly called Daily Kos “Nazis,” and said that the community is “like the Klu Klux Klan.” These comparisons have had a tremendously negative affect on the image of Nazi groups everywhere, according to the class-action suit. 

“My clients rightly feel that being compared to the liberal sissies at dailykos.com is nothing short of slander,” George Steinman, the prosecuting lawyer, told reporters outside the courthouse. “Bill O’Reilly’s reckless use of the Nazi label has cost my clients dearly, and they are now seeking appropriate compensation.” 

“After all, the worst these bloggers have done is write emotionally-charged political opinion pieces. They have never attempted to do something like slaughter millions of people based purely on race or creed. Comparing them to Nazis completely undermines the serious and significant historical role of the Nazis in the twentieth century.” 

“Daily Kos has an open comment system,” Steinman added. “Freedom of expression is to Nazism what tinned sardines are to cheesecake: it’s just not one of the ingredients.” 

This suit is not the only legal trouble O’Reilly has faced in recent years. In 2004, a former producer of his show filed a sexual harassment complaint against him. That case was settled out of court, but was then used as evidence in a civil suit brought a few months later by has-been comedian Carrot Top, who claimed O’Reilly was unlawfully attempting to become the biggest douche in the continental USA, a title the former prop comic had held for some time. 

Reaction to this latest lawsuit has been mixed. While the bloggers at Daily Kos are happy to see O’Reilly getting sued, they are “slightly off-put” by the context of the lawsuit, according to the post of one blogger known as “liberalflower682.” 

“I kind of wish the Nazis had been a little nicer to us,” the post read, “but what do you expect? They’re Nazis. They’re nothing like us.” 

Comments on the post included suggestions that “they [the Nazis] just need a hug,” and “OMG bush is a idiot lol!!1” 

A spokesperson for the Klu Klux Klan said the group was considering joining the class-action suit, noting that the Klan has a lot in common with the Nazis, including their hatred for “liberal blog websites like the Daily Kos.” The spokesperson added that the Klan was shocked by O’Reilly’s remarks, because they had always considered him a friend. 

O’Reilly could not be reached for comment.

New Study Links Marijuana to Kennedy Assassination

According to a new study commissioned by the National Society of Families for Drug Awareness and Education and Families, marijuana played a large role in the assassination of John F. Kennedy, the thirty-fifth President of the United States. 

The study, released yesterday, revealed that “many ties” had been found between the THC-producing herb often smoked at rock concerts and what many consider to be the day America lost its innocence. 

“After very careful and thorough analysis of the information we gathered, it was obvious that pot played a role [in the assassination],” announced Gregory Boyd, the head of the research team behind the study. “There is no doubt in my mind that marijuana killed JFK.” 

Anti-drug groups such as the NSFDAEF are pointing to the study as proof that marijuana is a very dangerous drug that poses a grave threat to society. 

“How many more Presidents have to die before people realize that pot is not harmless?” asked NSFDAEF spokesperson Leonard Colby. “It’s what we’ve been saying all along: Weed Kills.” 

The NSFDAEF has joined forces with Families for National Drug Control and the American Family Morality Council of Moral American Families to promote the findings of the study. Numerous ad campaigns are already underway, with more planned in the future. 

“We at the NSFDAEF feel these campaigns will have a much better effect on public opinion than our past attempts at linking marijuana to terrorism and dead children.” Colby said. “With this study, I believe we have found our own magic bullet.” 

Marijuana legalization supporters have called the study “ludicrous” and “biased,” claming that the results of the study were tainted by the agenda of the group that commissioned it. Colby dismissed these allegations as the desperate ramblings of a fringe minority. 

“Those people will do anything to legalize their death plant,” he said. “They’ve even gone so far as to claim that marijuana is not chemically addictive, has medicinal merits, and is less dangerous than alcohol or cigarettes. Have you ever heard anything so absurd?”

Man Accused Of Pedophilia Claims Mustache Discrimination

Howard Lynsmore, a 38 year old Sears’ photo studio clerk of St. Catherine’s Ontario was arrested last week under suspected connections to a child pornography ring. Lynsmore was said to match the description of a suspect but the charges were dropped soon after as police claimed that Lynsmore, “just looked like a pedophile.” Officials have apologized for the incident but some say that his arrest is symptomatic of a larger problem of mustache profiling.

Lynsmore was at work helping a young family of five when police interrupted.

“It was a normal day until the arrest. I was squeaking my small rubber cucumber at a customer’s four-year-old son when my hand was taken from behind and put into cuffs,” Lynsmore stated in an interview.

Police proceeded to arrest him while on the job, reading the charges out-loud to those within earshot. Though the charges were eventually dropped, Sears fired Lynsmore on the spot and banned him from the store chain for life.

Wallace Birmingham is an activist and leader of NAMBLA, the National Association of Mustached Brothers who are Law Abiding. He argues that this kind of story is not uncommon amongst the mustached community.

 

“Lynsmore is an average working man. He pays his taxes. He goes to church. The only reason for the arrest was the unfair profiling of men of mustaches. It’s a clear case of facial profiling!” Birmingham Stated.

Carl Benson, of Toronto has suffered discrimination not unlike Lynsmore’s. Though Benson has never been arrested, he says people just don’t trust you when you are a man with a mustache.

“I can’t walk in front of a playground without getting dirty looks,” Benson said. “One time a woman grabbed her child’s supple bottom from the swing and started yelling ‘stop leering at my children’ then ‘I’m calling the cops you pervert!’. Those words leave wounds that never heal.”

Mr. Benson has also experienced numerous close calls with the authorities.

“I’ve had run-ins with the police on several occasions. Just last week my friend and I were pulled over for moving too slowly through a school zone. The officer came up to us and I forgot to hide my stash. As soon as he saw it I knew I would be fighting an uphill battle.”

The police bombarded him with questions for over an hour. “I took offense to some of them,” Added Benson.

“They think that just because I have a mustache, the rope, duct tape and candy in my backseat must be something other than my remodeling equipment and lunch.”

Mr. Birmingham of NAMBLA claims that media stereotyping is to blame for the public and police view of mustached men.

“We have been under the shaved devil’s thumb for too long. Every time you see a child killer or a pedophile in a movie, what does he have? A mustache! It’s no surprise that every time an APB goes out for these charges they’re after a man of mustache.”

 

The feeling within the mustached community is one of frustration, fear, and bewilderment. Those feelings are echoed in Howard Lynsmore’s voice. Now jobless, he now wonders about his future.

“Now that I’m out of work with bills to pay, I don’t know what I’ll do. I guess its back to my old job at the Boy Scouts. At least there I know I’m with friends.”

Harry Potter iPhone Causes Marketing Implosion

Disaster occurred at a press conference earlier today, where a new iPhone themed to the Harry Potter novel series was set to be unveiled. The new product, a combination of two of the most heavily-marketed items in recent memory, imploded under the extreme weight of its own marketing potential, injuring several and causing quite a panic in the advertising and marketing communities.

“We were worried this day would come,” admitted Greg Stephens, President and CEO of Allied Marketers and Advertisers Inc. “Simply put: the product had too much buzz and spin stacked on top of it to hold up. The laws of marketing tell us there’s only so much you can claim about a single product before something like this happens.”

“Apple and Scholastic just got greedy,” he added.

The iPhone, billed as a 3-in-1 portable solution to all your technological needs, has been flying off the shelves to much fanfare since its launch in late June. Likewise, the last novel in the Harry Potter series has sold millions of copies since its release last Friday, the culmination of months of heavy advertising on billboards, radio, TV, busses, newspapers, and that spot on your back you just can’t reach no matter how hard you try.

The combination of the two behemoths into the Harry Potter iPhone would create a product that is a phone, an iPod, an internet communications device, and a novel that would simultaneously make everyone’s lives easier, save the printed word by engaging a whole new generation of readers, and end world hunger somehow. According to Mr. Stephens, this much hype on one single piece of electronics is a recipe for disaster.

“You have to spread out your outrageous and exaggerated claims of excellence. This is an even bigger disaster than Kraft Dinner’s ‘Nutritious, Delicious, and Coniferous’ campaign of the late 90’s.”

 

Neither Apple, makers of the iPhone, nor Scholastic, publishers of the Harry Potter series, could be reached for comment. 

 

Those injured by the implosion were taken to a nearby hospital, and none of the injuries appear to be serious. Still, says Karen Goldthwaite, a reporter who attended the press conference, companies need to be more responsible to ensure this doesn’t happen again.

“This is the third time in my career I’ve been put in danger by the launch of an over-hyped product combination. There was the Tickle-me Macarena, Y2Viagra, and now this. Something needs to change.”

Principal Throws Poo at Kid, Doesn’t Get Fired

I’m not kidding. This is 100% true.

Maria Pantalone, a Toronto principal convicted of assault after throwing feces at a child, will not face disciplinary action from the Ontario College of Teachers.

source: Toronto Star.

Iraq War Brief: Remaining Weapons Will Be Given to U.S. Troops

The Pentagon has announced that after it is done arming Iraqi insurgents to fight Al Qaeda, it will give the weapons it has left to U.S. Troops currently stationed in Iraq who need supplies.

“Once every Iraqi militant is adequately armed, we will begin doing the same with our own troops,” said a Pentagon spokesperson.

“Soon, our troops will have the same body armor the Iraqis now have, provided there is any left.”

So far, the Pentagon is reporting that their new strategy of arming insurgents to fight terrorists is working very well. According to field reports from Baghdad, although the level of explosions and gunfire has not decreased, most of the current fighting is “good combat,” being carried out by U.S.-armed insurgents. When asked to comment on these reports, the Pentagon spokesperson had this to say:

“We expect there will be many more productive roadside bombings and Mosque demolitions in the coming weeks. With any luck, this will signify the beginning of the end of America’s involvement in the civil war it ignited. Thank you.”

North American Update: Canada Still Exists

Much to everyone’s surprise, the nation of Canada, located to the north of the United States, still actually exists, an American geographical study concluded earlier today.

The nation of approximately 30-million people is also doing quite well for itself. With a strong dollar,  low crime rate, and vast reserves of natural resources including oil, Canada is expected to remain in existence for the foreseeable future, the head of the study explained.

“With all that is happening all over the world and in our own backyard, it’s sometimes hard to remember that countries like Canada are still here. After all, they never really blow anything up or piss anybody off, so there’s no reason to hear about them on the news.”

The in-depth study was conducted after researchers noticed a basketball team called the Toronto Raptors were playing in the NBA playoffs, and realized that Toronto was not an American city.

Mid-East Report: Hamas Declares Jihad on Everyone who isn’t Hamas

Tired of being known for only fighting Israel, the Palestinian political party and terrorist group Hamas has expanded its conflict strategy to include everyone else, including other Palestinians.

The campaign kicked off recently with a series of attacks against Fatah, Hamas’ rival political party in Palestine. A spokesman for Hamas explained the decision yesterday.

“Allah is great. We are doing His will by fighting everyone but those with the exact same beliefs as us. It’s what Allah wants. He also hates elections and rival parties like Fatah.”

Most of the world’s Muslim population outside of Hamas has strongly condemned the group’s Jihad, calling it an extreme perversion of Islam and claiming Hamas does not speak for Allah or actual Muslims. Hamas responded to this criticism by declaring smaller, more personal Jihads on everyone who has criticized them.